Year after year I have noticed that at the fall begins, both kids and adults place enormous pressure on themselves to renew and intensify their friendships. The need to feel close to a friend can increase significantly for students going back to school and college, and for parents who must jump back into socializing to support their child’s academic, sports and social lives. Even the urge to be re-connect with work friends increases as more relaxed summer hours end.
This sudden ramp-up of reuniting with close friends can trigger anxiety and stress, especially because friendships don’t always last over time the way we anticipated they would. Many friendships are ‘for a reason or for a season’, powerful for a time but perhaps not sustainable as we move through life stages. Elementary school friendships may not survive because middle schoolers mature at different rates; high school friendships can fade because now-college students no longer have the daily reinforcement of togetherness. Adult friendships can end when lives and commonalities don’t aligni as they once did.
Recognizing that not all close friendships are meant to last forever can relieve the pressure to hold onto a struggling friendship, allowing you to move forward to seek new friends who meet your needs now. Just because someone has been your friend, doesn’t mean they should continue to be your friend. Here are a few thoughts to help you reflect in this new season of friendship:
A friendship should be balanced: If one friend works much harder to maintain the friendship than the other, it could be a sign that the season of this friendship is over.
A friend should make you feel challenged, supported and happy: If your interactions with a friend are negative, toxic or leave you feeling bad about yourself, this is a real reason to move on to different friends.
A friend shouldn’t make you feel disappointed most of the time: As people grow and change, a feeling of disappointment can be a sign that you and your friend are no longer meeting each other’s needs. It is probably time to change your expectations for this friendship, so you don’t continue to feel this way.
A friend should want to be your friend: This is perhaps the most important point! One person’s desire to be friends isn’t enough—both people must want the friendship. If you find yourself trying to maintain a friendship with someone who is showing signs of no longer wanting to be your friend, recognize that you deserve better and allow the friendship to end. Seek new friendships with those who will value you.
The bottom line: No matter one’s age, it can be profoundly beneficial to recognize that each friendship is one part of your social journey and not your whole journey.